


my heart i surrender

by spiritually



Series: buck and eddie [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Idiots in Love, M/M, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 18:29:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30042927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiritually/pseuds/spiritually
Summary: "How could you do that to me?" Eddie yelled after him, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around. He gripped both of his shoulders and began shaking him. "You fucking reckless idiot how could you run off like that without me?"In which Buck makes a risky play and Eddie expresses his fear in anger.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: buck and eddie [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2210100
Comments: 10
Kudos: 252





	my heart i surrender

Buck's throat was raw, whether if be from the smoke he had inhaled or the screaming match he was in with Eddie, he didn't know. It was probably a mixture of both. Chris was at his Abuela's for the night, and Buck and Eddie were carpooling like usual when he invited Buck in for a drink.

He readily accepted the offer, and was honestly relieved, because the entire drive he had noticed a tense air hanging in the car. Eddie hadn't spoken a word since Buck sauntered, or more like stumbled, out of a burning motel with his mask on a 16 year old girl who was barely breathing. Buck himself was one faulty breath away from dying of smoke inhalation. The roof of the building had collapsed ten minutes earlier, just seconds after Buck ran back in to get her. In the collapse, he lost his radio, not that he noticed, and blindly looked around until he found her and brought her out.

He thought the silence was the shock from seeing Buck fall on the ground, his own lungs fighting against the deep breaths of fresh air he was trying to inhale. He thought, maybe, there was nothing left to say. Sure, he was in the ER for a couple hours while they checked everything out, but Bobby had already given him an earful and they were driving home at a decent hour, just two hours past when their shift would have ended.

It was not until they got to Eddie's house and Buck popped open a beer that he had started screaming at him.

The first five minutes, Buck took the onslaught of insults. After all, Bobby had given him a similar, albeit much more calm, lecture in the hospital. But he got the job done, he saved the girl. She'll be completely back to normal once the burns heal up and her lungs gain some strength. Buck considered it a good day. After the fourth minute of Eddie's assault, he could see the time ticking by on the clock behind Eddie, he had started to get hysterical.

"And I'm the exhausting one?" Buck muttered, scoffing when he saw a look of hurt flash on Eddie's expression. "Oh, so I just have to take all this with no complaints? You never apologized for that one, you know." He tried to remain calm, and at the moment was much too exhausted to fight. Did Eddie not hear the doctor order Buck to go home and go to bed, or was he just ignoring it? Because instead of getting some well deserved rest, here Eddie was, screaming at him about how much of a reckless idiot he was, how he's okay with throwing his life away. And how he didn't care about Eddie, or Hen, or Bobby, or even Chris. 

Buck took a step forward and tried to grab onto Eddie's arm, but he just pushed it aside and cornered him into the wall. Suddenly, Buck felt small and weak, and a spark fired inside of him, so he fought back. 

So there they were, Buck and Eddie feet apart, circling each other unconsciously, screaming at each other like two boys on a playground. Most of the time it was intelligible, old jabs from half-healed scars and stoic laughter when one landed a particularly bad blow. Buck had stopped keeping track at the twenty minute mark. But sometimes, it was just Eddie throwing his hands up and bellowing in frustration. Buck thought it a miracle that Eddie hadn't thrown him across the room by now. 

"You don't care about anyone but yourself," Eddie spit. He was shaking his head, his hands shaking, his eyes bloodshot. Was he crying? Buck couldn't tell. He was getting dizzy and reached up to find his own face wet with what he presumed to be tears. 

Buck stared at him in awe. He didn't care about anyone but himself? He thought of the times he had acted selfishly. The lawsuit stood bold and bright in his mind, but other than that he struggled to find examples. Idiotic, sure, reckless, definitely, but selfish? His mind was spinning, along with his world. The room was now speckled with black spots, but he wasn't about to give up just yet. "How is doing my _job_ only caring about myself? Was I just supposed to let that girl die when her parents were begging me to go in and save her?"

" _Yes,_ " Eddie said venomously. "One more minute in there without your mask and we would've lost you." 

Buck could say so many things to cut Eddie. Examples riddled his mind, but one stood out in particular.

"And I bet you were thinking of other people when you cut that rope, right? You were definitely thinking about me trying to dig you out and Chris ending up without a dad or mom. I bet you were being real selfless then, huh?"

Something flared in Eddie's eyes. Another strong burst of anger, Buck assumed. He remained still has Eddie rushed towards him. Labored breaths and blurry vision were too much to put him in a fighting position, though his words still held a considerable bite to them. Eddie grabbed the front of his shirt, his fists hanging onto the material and pulling him forward.

Buck immediately fell forward into Eddie's arms. After all, his grip on the counter was the only thing keeping him standing. He couldn't make out Eddie's expression, it was far too blurred, but the yelling stopped.

The last thing he remembered was Eddie saying, "You're a fucking idiot."

-

When Buck awoke, he shot straight up, taking in large gulps of dry air. he was thankful to see a glass of water on the coffee table and downed the entire thing immediately. The pain in his lungs and throat ebbed, if only slightly. He looked around and saw a soft orange light coming in through the blinds, deciding to step outside on the patio and enjoy the sunrise while the peace lasted. it wasn't his first sunrise at the Diaz residence. 

The view was perfect as always, and the orange had almost completely seeped from the sky when Buck heard a strangled cry in his name. Ten seconds later, Eddie was on the patio, panting, an expression of relief on his face. 

"Not dead," Buck muttered. He was feeling a lot better than he did last night, but he had a feeling that was about to change. He balled his fists in preparation for the new wave of attacks Eddie was about to unleash. 

"No thanks to you," Eddie said. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in a week, and his face was already flush with anger. "I'm gonna make breakfast."

Not a word was spoken as Eddie prepared breakfast, nor when they were both downing the eggs and hash browns on their plates. The silence was much like the one in the car on the drive to Eddie's place last night, but more noticeable since Buck was actually lucid. Another calm before the storm.

And now they were just staring at each other, waiting for one to make the first move. Buck was prepared with counter attacks for anything Eddie could hurl at him.

Or so he thought. 

"I promised Chris he would never lose you."

The statement shattered Buck's resolve, if only for a second. His feelings of love, jealousy, and hope resurfaced, but only for a moment. He swallowed them down with a large, sudden flood of anger. "And why the hell would you do that? You didn't have the right, we don't make promises in this line of work!" Buck was standing already, both his hands on the table. Eddie was quick to follow. 

And Buck had thought that maybe the right would resolve naturally when they woke up. Oh how wrong he was.

Eddie grabbed fistfulls of his hair and screwed his eyes shut. "You think I don't know that? You thin I'm not regretting it right now? I thought I could trust you-"

"You can _trust_ me to do my _job_ ," Buck said, a hysterical laugh escaping his throat. "Eddie I don't know what you're expecting from me here! You literally said I should let the girl _die_ yesterday, are you even hearing yourself?"

Eddie faltered for just a second, but it was the chink in the armor that Buck was waiting for. "If you actually believe that my life is more important than an innocent 16 year old girl's, I don't know what to tell you."

He threw his hands up. "It's not about importance! It's the fact that you're reckless!" His voice cracked and his eyes filled with tears, a single one falling. "I can't lose you, Buck."

And Buck considered this for a moment, he really did. He allowed his heart to feel that touch of hope for a split second before crushing it again. He laughed, a high-pitched, out of breath, slightly strained laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. "Oh, that is _rich_ coming from you."

Eddie's neck snapped up, an accusatory glare set on his face. "Well, those tears cleared up pretty quick," Buck said coldly. 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean," Eddie said. It wasn't a scream, or a question. It was a low, deep demand. Buck was walking into fire for the second time in the last twelve hours, but he didn't care. He would be thinking about the words Eddie said last night for months, even years to come. It was his turn to be cold and unforgiving. 

"How long has it been since I've been here, Eddie," Buck said, his voice a whisper. If emotions weren't so high right now, he would never consider going down this path. But right now he wanted to hurt Eddie. So when he said nothing, his mouth agape, Buck continued. "I haven't been here in a month and you have the audacity to invite me into your home only to attack me right away."

Buck's voice was deadly calm, he could almost see Eddie's resolve cracking. "I didn't-"

"Oh really? You're gonna act defensive?" Buck said. He laughed again, this time more solid, and somehow even more cold. "I was just in the hospital! You invited me for a drink and then fucking _tore_ into me. It took me passing out for you to stop. You said I was selfish, that you couldn't trust me, that you were considering transferring because you couldn't stand me anymore-"

"Because I couldn't stand to see you get hurt anymore!" Eddie yelled, desperation and fear evident in his voice. He was crying again but Buck, completely blinded by rage, didn't care, barely even noticed. He didn't care that this was the first time he'd seen Eddie cry outside the job. Even at Shannon's funeral, he was hardened as a rock. "I can't lose you-"

"Yeah, you said that already. But we both know it's not true." Buck didn't dare say the same Ana, but Eddie was going to need something to help him understand, because at the moment he looked completely clueless. "You've blown me off seven times in the past month."

A look of realization dawned on Eddie, and anger once again stopped the tears in their tracks. "That's not fair!"

"Isn't it?" Buck yelled. "You told me how you felt last night-"

"But I didn't mean it! I was just sc-"

"Don't' you think you should just get it all out now? The truth? You don't need me anymore, Eddie. You and Chris are going to build a family with her and-"

"You're family!" Eddie screamed. His chest was heaving, and Buck shook his head. "I'm terrified of not having you in my life Buck! Don't you get it? I thought-"

He stopped dead in his tracks and took a deep breath, looking down. Buck egged him on, the feeling of emptiness creeping into his veins. "Thought what?"

"I- We thought you were dead! You were radio silent for ten minutes under that rubble, Cap had to physically restrain me as we tried to figure out where the hell in the building you were!" The screams coming from Eddie now were unlike the ones from the night before. Just as loud, perhaps even more shrill, but less fueled by anger and rather by desperation. 

Buck stared straight into his eyes. They stood there, eyes locked, for a minute before he finally dropped his gaze. "I'm going home." He turned and made his way towards the door.

"How could you do that to me?" Eddie yelled after him, grabbing his shoulder, and turning him around. He gripped both of his shoulders and began shaking them. "You fucking reckless idiot how could you run off like that without me? I would've followed you if you just gave me a second but you just _had_ to go alone!"

Buck couldn't deal with another blanketing of Eddie's harsh words. The echoes had already pained him in the night, followed him into his dreams, he'd certainly fall apart if he had to deal with more. "Let me go, Eddie." He shoved him away and turned once again to make his way to the door. 

"I'm in love with you, okay?" Eddie cried. Buck whipped around and saw him fall to his knees, burying his head in his hands. Eddie was barely hanging on before, but the floodgates finally opened, and they did so full force. He began sobbing, refusing to uncover his face. Though muffled and cracked, he managed to say, "I love you so much and every time you do something reckless I feel like I'm not going to get the chance to say it, and I'm scared of telling you but I'm more scared of you running out of here and never understanding. So please, just stay."

Buck sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a miracle that he was keeping his cool, but he knew Eddie needed him to. The anger and emptiness had subsided in his worry. So he grabbed Eddie's hand, helped him up, and moved them over to the couch. Eddie was weeping, his other hand cemented to his face. "I'll stay," Buck muttered. 

Eddie finally removed his hands, took one good look at Buck, and let sobs wrack through his body. Buck pulled him tight, wrapping his arms around him and letting him release all the emotions he had built up in the last day. Buck had cried in front of Eddie several times, some in serious situations, but sometimes a cute dog video would get the waterworks going, too.

It broke his heart to see Eddie so broken and know that he was the person to cause it. He whispered in his ear, petting his hair. "Shh, it's okay. I've got you. I'm here, okay? I'm not gonna leave you, I'm not gonna die." He wished he had Eddie to cling after the drain incident. He had cried so hard the next few nights, been so distraught, he was completely inconsolable by anyone who tried to help. The only thing that would've helped was cuddling up exactly like this with him, so that's exactly what Buck was going to do for him. 

At random intervals, Eddie would grip his shirt like a lifeline, like he was afraid Buck would skip right through his fingers. He would mutter, "How could you do this to me? I almost lost you. When you collapsed like that I thought you were dead." 

It was all Buck could do to run his fingers through his hair and make empty promises. "It's okay, Eds. I'll never scare you like that again, okay? I'll be safe." He didn't know if it was true, but it was what Eddie needed to hear. 

After twenty minutes, Eddie had finally calmed down. Buck had managed to shed only a tear, he was far too preoccupied with making sure Eddie was okay. "I'm so sorry I said those things, Buck. I'm so, so goddamn sorry and I will do anything to make you understand that I didn't mean them. I love you so much, but I get it if you hate me now and can't forgive me. I would, too." 

"It's okay," Buck whispered. It wasn't okay, but it was a start. "I could never hate you."

"I'm sorry if this ruins things between us," Eddie replies, just as quiet. "You don't have to say it back."

And Buck realizes that in the chaos, he had completely forgotten to say that he was indeed in love with Eddie Diaz, perhaps even more so than Eddie was in love with him. 

He tilted Eddie's chin up an planted a short, sweet kiss on his lips. "I love you, too." 

Eddie managed a small, watery smile before leaning forward and kissing him deeper. Buck grabbed his face, suddenly afraid that Eddie would slip away from him into the dark abyss he had felt himself falling into earlier. "I love you so much," he whispered between kisses, his hands reaching under Eddie's shirt and pulling them even closer together. 

"You promise?' Eddie asked. He could tell it was a genuine question, or Buck would have definitely laughed.

"I promise. From now on I swear we'll do idiotic stuff together, okay?" Eddie nodded and Buck kissed him again. 

They would have to face the implications of this later, but for now they could revel in the fact that they were alive, and that they loved each other. And that's all that Buck really needed. 

BONUS 

As it turns out, later really meant in ten minutes. A couple knocks on the door interrupted their silent cuddle session, and Buck was forced to grapple with reality. He stood up and opened the door without even seeing who it was. 

And who else but Athena Grant, standing in uniform with her hands on her hips, to bring Buck back to reality.

"Oh, hi Athena," Buck said, his eyebrows shooting up. She walked in without invitation. "Oh, sure, you can come in Athena."

Eddie had sat up and gave her a weary smile. "What brings you here?"

She glanced at Buck, and then at Eddie, then back at Buck and to Eddie again several times before saying anything. "One of your neighbors called 911 this morning, saying two men were having a vocal altercation in the residence and worried it might turn physical, requested a wellness check. I recognized the address, figure I'd make my way here and give you time to work your business out on the way." 

Buck didn't bother lying. "You were right to wait, it wasn't pretty a little while ago."

"And you're okay now?"

Eddie's face flushed in embarrassment. "Yes. I'm so sorry you came here Athena. Everything is fine now, Buck and I were just arguing but it's totally fine and everything is okay." 

"Uh huh," she muttered, glancing between the two and narrowing her eyes. "Well, I won't intrude any further. Enjoy the rest of your day off." 

Buck and Eddie both said that they would as she walked through the door. Eddie let out a sigh. "She definitely knows, doesn't she."

"Not a doubt in my mind." 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed my buddie brainrot and my first fic :D


End file.
